Know
by angel0wonder
Summary: A glimpse of an aching coldness that sends chills of familiarity throughout my body. A glimpse of... eternity? I wondered if this was what one saw if looking into the eyes of a god. Utena's ponderings concerning Anthy before the final duel, shoujo-ai


A/N- I wrote something for Anthy, so I decided to add Utena's thoughts to the mix. Review if ya want.

Disclaimer: Revolutionary Girl Utena me no owny.

Before the final duel, Utena's pov.

* * *

Since gravity first tested its weight against my shoulders I've walked confidently.

I didn't know much, I'll be the first to admit

But I was certain in my beliefs.

This was this and that was that. Matter of fact.

I want to be a Prince

No matter my feminine nature or challenges to the title I recieve ritually.

I knew not fear nor deceit, and everything was rendered simple in front of my mind's eye.

Until I met her

Others claim I 'won' her, such a ridiculous notion.

I was thrust into a game I never want to understand and at the center of it all was Anthy Himemiya.

What a vexing and frustrating girl I thought she was!

She embodied everything that offended my feminism ideal by calling herself the 'Rose Bride'

By letting herself be a pawn and letting others use her as they pleased.

She needed friends, I concluded. Matter of fact.

That was my first mistake: Failing to understand.

Never had I known the true meaning of naievity until I looked into her eyes. Truly looked.

At first glance her green orbs reflected the submissive, malleable look that she spoon-fed everyone with that small smile on her face.

I will not be spoon-fed. I delved. I searched and I found.

Something massive

Gazing into her eyes is like gazing into something miles deep despite our proximity,

Theres something flowing under everything; something that makes everyone else's gaze look amazingly shallow in comparison.

Something hauntingly ancient lurks in her eyes. Pain flashes in the form of silver and metal

And a glimpse of an aching coldness that sends chills of familiarity throughout my body...

A glimpse of... eternity?

I wondered if this was what one saw if looking into the eyes of a god?

And thus I was struck childish on the spot and the world became hollow and undone.

I didn't understand and I couldn't grasp it

How could I? Eternity is so incomprehensible!

Did she even realize I perceived her?

I stumbled on my path, my perspective distorted forever, my gait no longer sure-footed

Even more so after each duel,

Even when I emerged from the arena victorious I counted it as a loss

Because the haunting chill in Himemiya's eyes was still apparant to me.

Doubt seeped into my confidence for the first time

It seemed no matter how many times I lifted the Sword of Dios in her defense

It wasn't enough. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough.

What the hell kind of Prince was I pretending to be if I couldn't even alleviate one girl's pain?

I lost myself in that time.

Maybe Touga... maybe Akio was right.

I was just a girl, what could I do?

Distract myself from my failure. Matter of fact.

Himemiya's green gaze I met no more.

That was my second mistake: Selfishness.

Himemiya's delicate wrist clasped desperately in mine

Dangling over a balcony after she jumped of her own free will.

Himemiya... tried to kill herself.

And then _she_ apologized to _me_

Of all things..!

It was as if the entire world thrust it's weight upon me and tried to grind me out of existence.

Himemiya tried to _KILL_ herself! And where the hell have I been while I knew she suffered!

Righteous rage cleared my thoughts; focused my desire

To protect this girl.

And despite that the world was being undone beneath my feet I was at least certain of one fact:

That I was only ever truly happy when I was with her. And I've yet to tell her,

That even if the only thing she knew how to cook properly was shaved ice and tea, I could live with that

How she lets her long dark hair cascade down her back in rich waves at the end of the day

How it makes her look almost fey in apearance with her shocking jade eyes and chocolate skin

The shocking contrast from her daily appearance in glasses and a bun alights my body with fascinaton.

And that I will stand, sword in hand, as her protector for as long as it takes

Until the time comes when I can meet her eyes and not be mystified by the unknown

Even if the opponent is the End of the World itself.

So... why do I feel like a lamb being led to its own slaughter?

I try to catch Himemiya's gaze... It is blocked by the light that reflects off her glasses.

The effect sends shivers down my spine.


End file.
